


Chasing Comfort

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [39]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Abuse, Child Abuse, High School, M/M, Religious Abuse, abuse survivor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 18:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18349196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will Lose6 weeks after Bill Dun put a door through Tyler’s head, Josh is struggling to sleep. The Josephs were doing everything they could to make him feel at home, but every attempt only made him feel more alienated. He wasn’t used to the warmth and the cracks were beginning to show.Bill's attack on Tyler





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As some of you may remember, I did already do a snippet from around this time, but it was more focussed on Tyler and how he was coping with the attack, but I decided the monumental changes Josh was going through needed to be addressed.
> 
> If you want to read that other fic then click [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11308164)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Split this fic into 3 for ease of reading <3

The Joseph household was incredibly homely. It was always warm, the walls were covered in the children’s artwork and photos in mismatch frames, and the kitchen counter usually had a vase of fresh flowers that Kelly cut from her garden every few days. Today there were purple tulips. 

They were the type of family who would describe themselves as ‘comfortable’, which was code for rich. When Josh had made some comment to Tyler after seeing their beautiful house for the first time, Tyler had laughed it off, but to Josh they were as good as billionaires.

His family surrendered literally every dime they had to the church. Both his parents worked for the church for significantly less than the minimum wage, meaning they often didn’t have enough to eat, let alone be able to afford luxuries such as new clothes or shoes when his were outgrown or over worn. Although luxuries were forbidden by his parents anyway. He didn’t have nice things, in fact, he didn’t really have any things for the first 18 years of his life.

In his old bedroom he had plain walls with cracking white-ish paint, exposed floorboards, and a metal framed bed that held a mattress which was only just thicker than Josh’s first finger digit. His personal belongings lived on his single shelf, and consisted of only a leather Bible, two pens, two pencils, a cross necklace, a comb and a toothbrush. He’d always felt lucky just to have all that.

And now he lived with Tyler, slept in a twin bed next to him that he had picked up from IKEA with Mr Joseph and knew cost more than his parents reaped in a month. Rather than a scratchy woollen blanket, he had a duvet with a matching cover to Tyler’s, and a fluffy blanket thrown on top for fun, with his head resting on two goose down pillows, skin against 1000 thread count cotton sheets, wearing a brushed cotton pyjama set that they had bought him.

He knew this was supposed to be the epitome of comfort, but Josh had been staring up at the ceiling for hours, unable to sleep, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. 

6 weeks he’d been living there now, 6 weeks, and if anything it was only getting harder.

When he’d first been taken in by the family, Tyler was in the ICU because of Josh’s father’s attack, and so everybody was incredibly rattled and nothing was remotely ordinary, so Josh blended in with the family and their distress. Nobody blinked an eye when they saw him crying and panicking - it was to be expected when his boyfriend had sustained a head injury and was in intensive care.

Then Tyler had been discharged, and Josh had a better few days. He liked sharing a room and a home with Tyler. Admittedly Tyler was still very unwell because of the wound to his head and needed a lot of help with planning and organising his thoughts then following through with his plans, and Kelly hovered over him constantly, but for the first time Josh had been able to sleep over with his boyfriend without being petrified of his parents beating him for it the next day.

It was wrong to call it a honeymoon period because that suggested things were perfect, when in reality they weren’t. Tyler was suffering with PTSD-like symptoms from the attack and everyone was very nervous about the Duns trying to hurt them again, but Josh still pushed their beds together each night and they’d spend the evenings whispering to each other, and he loved it. Those were the moments when he felt safe, felt loved, felt like he belonged.

Now things were going back to normal for the Josephs. Chris has gone back to work, all the kids had gone back to school, Kelly was back to cooking healthy meals rather than ordering takeout because she was too busy managing Tyler’s care, and everyone was feeling settled again, except for Josh. He didn’t know where he fitted into their routines, and even though they were so incredibly kind and patient and inclusive, Josh was acutely aware that this family was a whole other dynamic to his own, and he didn’t understand it at all.

In the Dun household, you do as you’re told. Parents aren’t mentors, they’re the law. Everyone had a specific role to play to keep the household functioning, even little Abigail, and for Josh that meant cooking every single meal and mopping up the blood in the basement after punishing nights and polishing everyone’s shoes before church. Beyond those responsibilities, he was expected to stay out of sight, up in his bedroom either studying or praying, and keep his head down at all times. It didn’t matter if he could hear his mom beating his little brother and sisters, he had to stay silent or else the punishment would be worsened for them as well as himself.

The Joseph home was just so loud all the time. Every hour of the waking day was filled with sounds, whether it be Chris humming to himself as he read his morning paper each day, or Maddy talking on her phone to her gal pals, or Zack playing basketball with his friends out front, or Jay’s chatter with his toys and their imaginary characters, or Kelly‘s doting affection for all of the above. He couldn’t help but to listen in as she read the younger two bedtime stories each night, then drifted to Zack’s room to check in with him and make sure his day had been okay, before finally stopping off at their room to remind them of her unending love for them all.

It was so different to home, and Josh couldn’t understand why he was having such a hard time adjusting.

Surely this was better for him, being surrounded by happy children and adoring generous parents, but Josh couldn’t stop the yearning in his chest for home.

Home was bare and cold and cruel. Home was also familiar, and all he’d ever known, and at 18 Josh was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to adjust to this whole new family structure and he’d be an isolated outsider forever. Furthermore with each passing day came the realisation that nobody was coming to get him, nobody was going to apologise, nobody was trying to bring him back home. He’d been kicked out for good - his parents really didn’t want him anymore, and he’d probably never get to see them again.

Tyler didn’t understand it when Josh had tried to explain, but Josh missed his parents. Maybe they hurt him, maybe they treated him real bad, real wrong, but they had brought him into this world and shown him how to survive in it, and he would forever be indebted to them for that. And if he was honest with himself, he loved them. As a child he had clung onto every word they’d said, kneeled at their feet as they read to him from the Bible, adored them for all they had taught him, and now they didn’t want him anymore.

They didn’t want him.

If his own parents didn’t even want him, why on God’s good earth would anybody else? How could he expect Tyler to love him when his own parents couldn’t? Clearly he was unworthy of love and it was wrong of him to burden himself on the Josephs.

They’d taken him in during a time of crisis, but now the crisis was over and he was sticking around like a bad odour. 6 weeks wasn’t temporary, it wasn’t a favour they were doing him during a rough time, it was a starting step to the beginning of forever, and Josh felt so wrong for forcing them to change the rest of their lives to include him. He had pounced on them whilst they were weak - whilst Tyler was hospitalised - and now they were too polite to get rid of him.

If he had somewhere else he could be, he’d go there. He’d already taken up enough of their time and caused them enough trouble, so it would be right for him to get out of their hair, but Josh had 0 options. Home wasn’t an option, Debby was too close to home so wasn’t an option, and he had nobody else in his life.

Even the church, his true home, would turn him away now that he was outed as a faggot and a sinner.

The thought made his tears roll quicker.

18 years he’d devoted to the church, his entire life had revolved around it, and all of a sudden that rug had been ripped from under him. They didn’t want him. The door had been locked to him. He’d been quite literally tossed out onto the street, and Josh felt like he’d been falling ever since.

Homosexuality was a sin. Josh knew he was a sinner, he wasn’t delusional about his sinful ways, but wasn’t the church supposed to help him?? When he sinned in the past, they were there to guide him back to the path of the righteous. The pastors would guide his mother’s hand, and if Josh still refused to repent, he would be driven to the church and exorcised by the brothers. Four times they had saved his soul through their imperative formula, prayers of deliverance, and scourging.

He’d first been exorcised as a boy, just 9 years old, because he had dared to ask his father why Mr Neville had said the world was 4.5 billion years old in geography class at school. His mother had beaten him thoroughly herself, then his broken body was bundled into the back of the car and he was brought before the pastor who had seen the devil in him. The prayers were having no effect on the evil spirit, so the flagrum - a leather whip with metal pieces tied onto each chord, designed by the Romans to rip off flesh - was brought out and he was whipped until he lost consciousness. He still had the scars, and yet the demons had still returned.

Mr and Mrs Joseph didn’t take their son to the nearest exorcist whenever he sinned, they simply hugged and held him, played with his hair, stroked his cheeks, and told him it would all be okay. Now they were trying to do the same thing to Josh, but he had his eyes open to the consequences of sin, and refused to allow himself to be condemned to Hell, just because he wanted the ease of a cushy life on Earth.

Careful as to not wake Tyler, Josh pulled back the covers of his bed and cautiously tip toed across the thick lush carpet and snuck through their bedroom door. Everything in their home was soft and silent; the hinges didn’t squeak, the floorboards didn’t groan, and Josh could escape down the dog-legged staircase without a sound. 

The kitchen was where he belonged in the Dun household. He cooked everything every day. It didn’t matter whether he was sick or injured or exhausted or overwhelmed or any other excuse, he cooked everything every day. He remembered once his mother had been really mad and he had been really bad, so she had punished him so harshly that he couldn’t stand or use one of his arms, but still he had been forced to make the family’s meal, and even after all that effort, his dad hadn’t liked the food he’d served and so poured it onto Josh’s lap at the dinner table, burning him.

His kitchen never had purple tulips.

With a little distance from the sleeping family upstairs, Josh allowed himself to cry a little harder, breath shaking as he exhaled then gulped.

Where did he belong?

The Duns hated him. For years they had loved him and shown that love through priming him for Heaven by beating the sin out of him, but now they didn’t care enough to try and save his soul. Now they’d turned their backs on him. The church also closed their doors to him, naming him a lost cause, and the only sanctuary he’d been offered was a world away from what he was used to.

The Josephs were nice, so so incredibly nice, and Josh felt incredibly guilty that Tyler had been attacked because of him. They were nice people and he shouldn’t be a burden on them. He was almost 18, had almost graduated high school, he should be able to stand on his own two feet and be independent, but he didn’t know where to start. If he walked out of the front door, where would he go? What would he do? He didn’t have a clue, so he had to resign to being a leech on the Joseph family for the foreseeable future. 

They were doing everything they could to make him feel at home, but in reality all their love and affection was more alien to him than anything. He wasn’t used to kindness and generosity and empathy, he was used to coldness.

He knew part of the reason he hadn’t been able to sleep for the past 6 weeks was because of how comfortable Tyler’s bedroom was. It seemed illogical, but Josh’s body had grown used to the cold and to the hard, and he felt fussed and smothered and suffocated by the excess of their bedroom. 

The basement floor was familiar, the basement floor was home, but the basement floor in the Josephs’ house was covered in a thick carpet and transformed into a space for Tyler to work on his music and Zack to relax with his friends - it was a loving space and Josh craved the harshness that he was accustomed to.

Seeking anywhere which would allow him a few moments of rest, Josh’s first thought was to look down to his feet in the kitchen, where the floor was tile. It had the same unforgiving nature as the concrete of his basement, but the underfloor heating would be even worse than the warmth of the bedroom. He needed somewhere cold, if only for a few hours of respite.

His brain’s next suggestion was to sneak out the back door and curl up on the patio in the garden. The ground would be hard and the conditions cool, but Josh looked out to see the rain and knew giving himself hypothermia would only increase the load on Mr and Mrs Joseph, so that idea had to be dismissed too.

Finally a plausible solution was stumbled upon when Josh remembered the garage that the family kept their cars in. The floor was concrete, the temperature was chilly, and it was the closest he was going to get to his mother’s basement, so with a few hiccuping gulps, Josh made his way over to his resting place for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, remember me?
> 
> I've been away...again, I'm sorry! But I'm doing a lot better these days and feel almost ready to be getting back to my regular posting schedule (By regular I mean absolutely no regularity or order, just plain sporadic chaos, but more often that presently).
> 
> I've got a new diagnosis and I feel like it's the missing piece of the puzzle, so to those of you making notes, add BPD to your list. At first it was a struggle to accept, but it's meaning that I'm getting better therapy for my needs, so I'm grateful in that sense. I'm still inpatient, though I'm hoping to be home by summer (fingers crossed please!)
> 
> Since my last post I've had a birthday and arrived at the grand old age of 19, and I've also been to see twenty one pilots three times, Birmingham, Manchester and Paris. I had to work really hard to earn my time off the ward, but my god it was worth it. Did anybody else make it out to the Europe shows?
> 
> I have over 200 comments to reply to, so thank you all for checking in on me and I'm gonna try really hard to get back to each and every one of you, because I am so gratefully for your kinds words and consideration over the past two years of shit. Brighter days ahead <3 xx


	2. Chapter 2

“He’s gone, he’s g-g-go-gone,”  
“Ty baby you have to listen to me, it’s all gonna be fine, he’s probably just gone for a nice early morning walk or something, but you need to take some deep breaths for Momma,”

Josh woke up to the sounds of Tyler crying.

“Th-they’ve g-got h-him! They t-t-took h-him,”  
“Tyler the Duns haven’t been here I promise, they don’t even know where we live, he’s not with them I promise you,”  
“Still Kel, we need to make sure he’s safe. I’m gonna jump in the car and head over to Debby’s, see if he stayed with her last night or if she knows where he is, and if he’s not there then I’m going across the street to his house. If he’s there, I’ll pull him out. If he’s not there, I’ll finally get some revenge on those scum bags who beat him his whole life and tried to kill my son-“  
“Chris you’re upsetting Ty, please, don’t rush over to an abusive household, thinking it’s going to end well. They’re dangerous people. We need to be logical about this.” Kelly was trying to calm down her hysterical son and contain her husband.

As he came around, Josh realised he was still in the garage. The plan had been to go back up to the bedroom early that morning before anybody had noticed he was missing, but clearly he had slept too well and Tyler had woken up to an empty bed beside him.

“I’m not waiting around whilst they might be hurting him, I’m-“ Chris opened the garage door and made eye contact with Josh, curled up in the corner, beginning to prop himself up. “He’s here!”  
“What?” Kelly called from the kitchen.  
“Found him! He’s in here!” He shouted back over his shoulder. “Hey bud, you, uh, you gave us quite the fright. What are you doing out in the garage?”

Before Josh could begin to cobble together some believable explanation, Tyler came sprinting out of the house and into the garage, throwing himself down onto the dirty floor and wrapping his arms round Josh as tight as he could.

“I th-th-thought th-they g-got yo-you!”  
“I’m here, I’m, I’m okay,” Josh didn’t know what to say, hugging him close.  
“I was s-so sc-sca-scared J-Josh,”  
“You don’t need to be scared, we’re safe now darling,”  
“W-why are y-you d-d-down h-h-here?”  
“I, uh, I’m, I, it, uh, I was, I, uh, there was, um, uh, I,”  
“Baby let’s give Josh a chance to get up, we can do questions later. Now that we know he’s safe, you need to go and text Debby again to update her, then we need to start getting ready for school please,” Kelly came to his rescue and intervened when he couldn’t find an excuse, and he shyly made eye contact with her out of appreciation.  
   
She didn’t understand, that much was clear, but she understood enough about him to realise that he wasn’t sleeping on the concrete floor for no reason, and respected him enough to leave it at that for now.  
“Did you tell Debby I was missing?”  
“Y-yeh, I, I t-texted for h-help,”  
“Okay, uh, yeah please can you let her know she doesn’t need to stress? She worries,” Josh hated the idea of his best friend getting upset by the news. For years she had been the only one to know about the abuse and had to carry that burden on her shoulders, and the last thing he wanted to do was trigger her to panic about his wellbeing all over again.  
   
“Come on son, let’s go back to the kitchen to get your phone, up you get, nice and slow,” Chris instructed his eldest child, sensitive to the fact he’d been getting debilitating waves of dizziness every time he stood up ever since his head injury 6 weeks ago. “Do you need a guiding hand?”  
“Yeh,”  
“Alright I got you,” Chris helped his son back onto his feet, holding his right hand whilst the other hand pressed against his lower back for extra security to steady him.  
“J-Josh?” Tyler called out for him.  
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Josh stood up as well, but Kelly didn’t let him follow after the father and son, just gestured for him to wait behind for a second.  
   
“Do you want to talk about it?” She murmured discretely.  
“I, uh, is, uh, is it okay if I don’t?”  
“Of course, that’s why I asked. If you do want or need to talk about it, I’m here, but if you just want to go about your day like normal then that’s okay.”  
“Thank you,” he mumbled to his feet.  
   
“When it comes to bedtime tonight, you and I are gonna have a little chat, just to see if we can figure something out that works for everyone, because if you need a few nights not sharing with Ty then I can find a better solution than you camping out down here. I’ll get Zack to move into Tyler’s room and you can have Zack’s space all to yourself, or something along those lines, okay? Something better than resorting to this.”  
“Thank you Mrs Joseph,” she had guessed his motivation wrongly, but he didn’t know how to correct her.  
“Call me Kelly mister.” She insisted for the millionth time, reaching out and touching his bicep fondly, but he flinched significantly and she noticed.  
   
“Do you want to take the day off school? I’ll call you in sick.”  
“No no, I, uh, I have a Spanish test I don’t wanna miss.”  
“You don’t want to miss a test? Gosh Josh, you really couldn’t be more different from my kids,” Mrs Joseph laughed in good spirit, but Josh didn’t need more attention drawing to how isolated he was from the family. “Well you can go in on the condition that you take some time to relax today, okay? You clearly need a break, so why don’t you and Debby do something fun after school, go to the mall maybe? Or to a coffee shop?”  
“Maybe,”  
   
“Ty’s got physio tonight. If you need some alone time, I’ll take him out for some dinner afterwards, and I’ll tell this crazy bunch not to disturb you. That should give you about 3 hours to breathe - how does that sound?”  
“That, uh, that, that might be nice, thank you,”  
“No worries sweetheart. Anything I can do to make this easier for you, I will.”  
“Thank-“  
“MOMM!! WHERE ARE MY JEANS?!” Zack yelled from the other side of the house and Kelly smiled apologetically, then turned over her shoulder to answer his question.   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
“Hola,”  
“Oh, hi,” Josh forced a smile as Debby joined him at the table in the cafeteria.  
“Why so glum chum?”  
“Tired,” he went for his go-to response, rubbing his face with his palm.  
   
Things with Debby were... weird. They were the best of friends without a shadow of a doubt, they’d grown up together, done everything together, and there was nobody on earth he trusted more than her. And yet he had done the unthinkable, he had cheated on her with Tyler, and now rubbed it in her face all day every day by living with him and hanging out with him in front of her. Surely she was hurt by it, surely it was the most guttural of pains, but she always greeted him with a smile and it made Josh suspicious that she was hiding her true reaction from him, and best friends weren’t meant to hide anything from each other.  
   
“Yeah I heard you went walkabouts last night.”  
“Uh huh,”  
“Ty was really scared, he was texting me, asking if I’d seen your folks dragging you back into their house.”  
“Sorry if he panicked you, I’m absolutely fine, just went sleepwalking.”  
“Sleepwalking hey? Since when did you sleepwalk?” She asked, eyebrows raised ever so slightly.  
   
“You know if you ever need to talk about anything Josh, I’m here,”  
“I know, I, uh, I appreciate it. Thank you Deb,” Josh reached across the table and rested his hand on top of hers, and for a moment it felt right, but she pulled away and then laughed a little awkwardly.  
   
“Let’s uh, let’s, let’s not do that,”  
“Do what?”  
“Touch,” she avoided eye contact. “Remember that whole, uh, that whole me still being in love with you thing? That doesn’t help,”  
“Oh, oh, sorry, ah,” he’d been thoughtless. “Sorry,”  
“It’s okay,” it clearly wasn’t.  
   
There was a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, then they both tried to fill it at the same time.  
   
“I saw-“  
“Did you-“  
“Sorry sorry, you go first,”  
“I was just gonna ask whether you did the English homework?”  
“Not yet, but I think Ty’s done it.”  
   
Again it went quiet and Josh didn’t know whether to just dive in and explain the whole predicament about where to sleep to her, knowing she would understand better than anybody and no doubt come to the perfect solution. But there were cracks on the ground between them, a gap beginning to open up, growing by the day, and a small part of him wondered whether he should just let her slip away, rather than keeping her close just for his convenience.  
   
Was it fair to maintain the bond between them, if he knew that she loved him in a way that he didn’t love her back? Would he just be feeding a feeling that would never be reciprocated? Unrequited love that would cut her up inside, just so that he had a shoulder to lean on?  
   
“Do, uh, do you want to go get milkshakes after school?” Debby suggested.  
“I probably ought to get started on the English to be honest, it’s due tomorrow,”  
“We can invite Tyler too?” She saw through his excuse.  
“He’s got physio,”  
“Right, course,”  
   
“Why don’t you see whether Emma and Danielle want to go?”  
“Emma and Danielle?”  
“Yeah, they’re on the cheer squad with you too, right?”  
“True, I just, I, I dunno, they, all they ever wanna talk about is surface stuff, like drama and whatever,”  
“There’s nothing wrong with indulging in some cliche teen drama. Isn’t that what high school is for?”  
“I know but it all seems so pathetic when put on a scale with everything we’ve gone through. I mean 6 weeks ago we found your boyfriend with his skull caved in, and they want to talk about who’s giving who a handy behind the bike shed. I try but I really struggle to care, it all seems so pathetic in comparison.”  
   
“It’s not normal for a bunch of seniors to go through what we’ve been through, and maybe some normality is what we all need. Talking about our traumas or whatever is hardly gonna make us feel good, maybe some petty drama would distract us.”  
“Talking helps Josh, it does.” She was speaking directly about the abuse, they both knew that. “You need to talk about it.”  
“Do I need to talk about it over milkshakes though? Or in the school canteen? Isn’t it better to let a professional deal with it than you and Ty?”  
“Well are you going to therapy?”  
“No,”  
“No, so we’re better than nothing.”  
“It’s not fair on either of you to have to deal with it.”  
“It’s not fair for you to be trying to cope with this on your own.”  
“I’m not on my own, Kelly’s helping, Ty’s mom.”  
“She is?”  
“Yeh,” he only partially lied. She was helping in her own way, but they didn’t really talk about his old home life.  
   
“Look, I’m not saying I wanna get milkshakes so that we can have a good gossip about all the ways you’ve been abu-“  
“Don’t say it so loud.”  
“Mistreated, but you and Tyler can see the bigger picture, and I love that. We don’t talk about petty nonsense, we talk about purpose and meaning and-“  
“You and Ty do, I don’t.”  
“You provide a different perspective. Maybe you don’t think about it as much as Tyler, but you’re still interesting to listen to when we discuss it.”  
   
“Did I hear my name?”  
   
Tyler was doing amazing, beyond the doctors expectations, and had been back at school for a week already. The only consequences of the attack at this point were a rather nasty scar on the side of his head, dizziness, some short term memory issues, a general feeling of weakness and fatigue, and coordination difficulties. He was seeing a physiotherapist twice a week to try and iron out those last wrinkles, but Josh was blown away by his progress and couldn’t risk grinning when they made eye contact.  
   
“Hey you,”  
“Hey,” Tyler took the last couple of steps over to the table and Josh cupped his jaw with both hands and kissed him briefly on the lips, then helped him navigate down onto the stool next to him.  
   
“How’re you? How’s your morning been?”  
“Eughh, I’m ready for this dizziness to go away,” he crossed his arms on the table then rested his head on them, hiding his face from the pair.  
   
“Did you take your tablets this morning?” Josh asked whilst rubbing his boyfriend’s back comfortingly.  
“I don’t remember,”  
“It was kinda hectic, maybe you forgot, but when we get home you can take a dose to help, yeah?”  
   
“Hectic? What happened,” he twisted so he could see Josh, confused frown cutting into his brow.  
“Nothing really, just your siblings running around all over the place trying to find clothes and books and stuff,” Josh lied and received a disapproving look from Debby in response, but he didn’t want to talk about it and Tyler had given him the perfect out.  
   
“Why don’t I go get us some food,” Debby stood up with a small sigh. “Ty, you want a muffin?”  
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
“Knock knock champ, it’s Chris, permission to enter?”  
“Yep!” Josh called back and the man poked his head round the door, then stepped inside carrying a plate.  
   
“I know Kelly said to give you some chill time tonight but I just made the kids some dinner and there were two enchiladas left over so I thought I’d see if you wanted them?”  
“Oh wow, thank you,” he took the plate of delicious looking food, then the cutlery extended to him as well, and put them both down on his desk on top of his half written English essay.  
   
“Want me to get out of your hair or...?” Chris hovered, unsure as to whether he should leave or not. “I think my wife wants to have the chat with you later, about that whole garage thing, but if you’d prefer man to man then that’s cool with me.”  
“I’m, uh, uh, am I gonna be in trouble?”  
“Trouble? No son, absolutely not, no,” he shook his head, sitting on the foot of Tyler’s bed so there was a little distance between them, but close enough that they could talk in hushed voices without the three kids downstairs getting suspicious.  
   
“We don’t really have many rules here, we pretty much just expect our kids to be kind, respectful and helpful, and you are all three of those things Josh, so you don’t ever need to be afraid of getting in trouble.”  
“Thank you sir,”  
“I’m not a sir, come on kid, call me Chris,”  
“Thank you Chris,” Josh obliged.  
   
“Why would you think you’re in trouble?”  
“I used to get in a lot of trouble back home, I broke a lot of their rules,”  
“Their rules were bullshit Josh.” Chris didn’t hesitate. “They were immoral and bullshit; you’re the perfect kid and did nothing to deserve the way they treated you.”  
“I’m not perfect,”  
“You’re the closest thing to it that I’ve ever met. The way you treat Tyler? Josh, the way you look at him, the way you care for him, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for my children. You’re-“  
“I’m not, I’m really not.”  
   
Chris sighed, fiddled with his wedding ring for a second, then smiled sympathetically.  
   
“Look, Josh, I, uh, I had a pretty complicated relationship with my folks too, maybe not quite as toxic as your own, but rocky nevertheless. Can I tell you about it?”  
“Y-yeh, okay,”  
“My dad was out of the picture pretty early on, and my mom, she drank. When I was little, 7 or 8, she met a guy. Hal. Hal drank as well, and he used to hit my mom, and it progressed to me and my brothers too. My oldest brother John ran away from home when I was 10, so he just left me and my little brother Kenny to fend Hal off, and, uh, and it meant for a difficult few years,”  
   
Josh felt honoured that Chris was opening up to him, and hugged his knees close to his chest as he listened to every word.  
   
“When I was 12 my mom died. Alcoholism, the beatings, I don’t know which is was, but she died and there was no funeral, and Kenny and I were left with Hal. We tried our best to stay out of his way, but we were never fed, we didn’t have any clothes, we had to walk ourselves an hour to school and back each day, and eventually one of Kenny’s teachers called social services and a lady came to visit us at Hal’s house.”  
“Yeh,” Josh croaked.  
   
“I know that the foster care system isn’t great now, but this was almost 40 years ago and it was even worse back then, not any better than our life with Hal, so I packed up a little bag and Kenny and I ran away too. I figured at least that way we could be together. For a few days we were on the streets, I was determined to find John and reunite us as a 3, but this was before technology and I had nowhere to even begin the search, so that plan fizzled out rather quickly. Instead we tried to make it on our own.”  
   
“I stole some of Hal’s money but it didn’t even last us a week, so I started stealing food from the local stores to keep us fed, and then one day the green grocer, Mr Joseph, caught me and dragged me and Kenny into his back room. I cried and cried, and I explained that our mom died and our stepdad starved us, and then we waited for a few hours for his wife to arrive, and she took us back to her house.”  
“How old were you?”  
“I was 12, Kenny was 9,”  
   
“Mr and Mrs Joseph, they took us in from that day forwards, and it was a completely different world to what I was used to. I grew up hungry, and scared, always so scared,”  
“So did I,” Josh squeaked, hugging his legs close, and again Chris made reassuring eye contact.  
   
“We were given our own bedrooms for the first time, and food, so much food. Kenny wolfed it down at every meal, plate after plate, and Mrs Joseph would just laugh and wipe his little face and give him another serving every time, but me? I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t force myself to eat for weeks. I was used to nothing, and now I had syrupy pancakes and soft eggs and rich meats and always the freshest crunchy veggies. Every meal was served with thick bread and butter made from the next farm’s milk, and there was dessert every evening, and cakes when we got home from school every afternoon, and it was too much. I felt like I didn’t deserve it, it felt too much, it made me feel greedy and selfish, and nauseous too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad that Kenny could finally gain a little weight, and I didn’t miss the painful hunger pangs, but it took me a couple of months before I allowed myself to eat properly.”  
   
Josh didn’t know why, but he felt like crying.  
   
“We lived with the Josephs for the rest of our childhood, and it wasn’t easy, but it was the best thing that could have ever happened to us. I was 12 and I’d never been loved, all I’d ever been shown was neglect and anger, so it took me a long time to settle. I acted out all the time, I’d yell and shout and break stuff and threaten to run away pretty much every day, simply because I’d never been shown how to be calm and still. I’d been abandoned by everybody who should have cared about me, so I think in a way I was testing whether the Josephs would abandon me too, but after every incident, Mrs Joseph would come and find me and she’d hold me close and let me cry and she kept telling me over and over that no matter what I did, I couldn’t push her away, she was going to be there for me no matter what, and she was telling the truth,”  
“Yeh,” Josh brushed away a stray tear.  
   
“It got better, eventually I managed to relax, actually be a kid for a change, and Kenny and I started going to basketball practice and joined a local youth group and the boys scouts and were allowed to enjoy the things that all our friends had had their whole lives, and it was amazing. The Josephs put both of us through college, where I met my wife, and then they went onto foster loads more kids through the official route, so I think by the latest count I’ve got 12 siblings.”  
   
“It got better?” Josh whispered.  
“It did, yeh. It didn’t go away though, not completely. When we had Tyler, I’ll be honest, I found it pretty tricky to figure out who I was as a father. My adoptive parents taught me how to raise a teenager, but I had no positive male role models to show me how a father should raise a baby or a toddler, and admittedly I sometimes saw glimpses of Hal in myself when I got mad at him. He was, uh, he, he had a difficult time as child, he had some mental health stuff going on that we never quite pinned down; we thought it might be autism, but the symptoms never quite matched up, and he’s managed to recover from it now which I don’t think happens with autism, but anyway, he had these confusing self imposed rules and behaviours, and I didn’t understand them, so I would snap a lot. But I learned from reflecting on my actions, and I managed to do better with Zack and Maddy and Jay, and I’ve apologised to Tyler and hopefully made it up to him.”  
“Yeh, he, he loves you so much,”  
“He does?” Chris smiled as Josh nodded.  
   
“My wife, she grew up with parents just like her; loving, devoted, thoughtful, respectful, generous, tender - everything a parent should be in my opinion, and so it makes perfect sense that she’s grown to be such an amazing mother to our kids. I’ve had to work a bit harder at this whole parenting gig, but you can outgrow your past, I promise you. I mean you’re proof of that already because despite all you’ve been exposed to, you’re a considerate and kind lad, and that gives me so much hope about the places you’ll go.”  
   
Josh wanted to sob because he didn’t know who he was and he didn’t know where he wanted to go with his life. Every thing had been pointing towards him becoming a part of the church and going onto abusively raise kids who’d also join the church, but now all of a sudden the church wasn’t there for him and he had a male partner. He was back to square one when it came to planning his future, and it was scary.  
   
“I know it’s not the same, I know that. I found a home when I was 12, whilst you had to wait until now before we found you, and those 6 years are so important when it comes to establishing and building character, so I appreciate your way of rationalising everything that has happened to you is most likely very different from my experiences, and I also understand that my mistreatment was very much focused on neglect and occasional instances of violence, whilst you’ve been subjected to religious manipulation and routine physical torture for your entire life. I’m not trying to say we’re the same, because I know we’re not, I’m just hoping that in sharing my story, you feel a little less alone.” Chris spoke slowly as Josh sniffed and wiped his face on his sleeve.  
   
“I remember it, I remember the feeling, deep in here,” he put his hand to his chest. “Fear, just all the time, then walking into a home that seemed to good to be true. It was loving and warm and gentle, and I felt like I couldn’t trust it, like I couldn’t relax because it wasn’t going to last, and if I let myself get too comfortable then it was going to hurt that much worse when it was all snatched away from me,”  
“Y-yeh,”  
“But we’re not going anywhere kid, you hear me? This is your home, you belong here, you’re wanted here, and you’re allowed to be yourself here. Maybe you don’t know who that is right now, which is okay, everything in your life is changing, but you’re allowed to explore and to let go and feel safe here, with us, okay?”  
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
“Hi boys,”  
“Hi gorgeous,” Chris greeted his wife as she came through the front door with a smile. “Where’s Ty?”  
“Asleep in the car, bless him. He worked really hard in physio and it wiped him out, he could barely keep his eyes open during dinner.”  
“Do you want me to carry him in and up to his room?”  
“Please,” she nodded. “Maybe just give him a couple of minutes?”  
“Sure thing,”  
   
“Did you get a chance to rest tonight Josh?” Kelly came over to the living room where the pair were sat on the couch together, watching a TV gameshow that he couldn’t remember the name of.  
“Yes I did thank you Mrs Jo- Kelly.”  
“Oh wow, check you out, didn’t even have to tell you that time!” She laughed and he smiled genuinely.  
   
“Did you know Josh had never watched an episode of Jeopardy before tonight?”  
“Oh yeah? What do you make of it?”  
“I feel like I’ve got more gaps in my general knowledge than I should,”  
“Hey you got that one about the Norwegian playwright that I didn’t know,” Chris pointed out with a hint of pride.   
“Henrik Ibsen yeh, we studied him in school, but then you got like 50 of the other ones that I’d never even heard of.”  
“Josh you gotta remember that this old fool is more than double your age and spends half his day watching this show,” Kelly squeezed her husband’s shoulder affectionately whilst teasing him.  
   
“Half is a bit harsh, more like a quarter,”  
“Sure darling, sure, whatever you say,” she chuckled, then kissed Chris on the top of his head before sitting on the arm of the couch with his arm wrapped around her waist.  
   
“How was physio? She pleased with him?”  
“Yeah she was really happy, said she thinks his coordination has improved even since Monday,”  
“Oh wow, I thought so but it’s awesome to have her agree,”  
“Dizziness and balance are still his main issue so she was working on some stability exercises with him, plus a couple of controlled-fall methods so he can land better if he thinks he’s going down, and yeah, it was a productive session all in all. Hopefully he can put some of the techniques into practice and feel better for it,”  
“I can help him practice,”  
“Thank you darling, that would be lovely.” Kelly smiled at Josh.   
   
“Right, I’m gonna go get him out of the car, gimme two minutes.”  
“Do you need some help?” Josh offered.  
“I should be alright, he’s not so heavy, but thanks anyway kid,” Chris stood up and slipped his shoes on, then headed out of the house to where his oldest son was sleeping.  
   
Kelly took the chance to slide down into his seat on the couch so that they were next to each other.  
   
“Sorry if he’s had you watching game shows all evening. I did try to tell him you needed some alone time.”  
“No no, it’s, uh, I, uh, I actually asked if we could watch something together.”  
“Distraction?”  
“Yeh,” Josh murmured.  
“Good for you Josh, well done, I know it’s hard to vocalise your needs so good job.”  
   
“He told me, you know, about his parents? Hal and his mom and everybody,”  
“Chris did?”  
“Yeah,”  
“Wow, he doesn’t usually like talking about all of that. I know the details, but the kids don’t. Chris just told them he was adopted by Granny and Grandpa Joseph, but the boys and Maddy all presumed he was a baby, they don’t know about Hal.”  
“I won’t tell them,”  
“No I know you wont, I just, wow, I’m impressed he opened up to you. Did it help?”  
“Definitely, yeh. I mean I’m really happy here, I am-“  
“You don’t need to exaggerate for my benefit, I won’t be mad, I completely understand if you’ve been struggling to find your feet.”  
“Yeh, uh, well, I think, I think him knowing some of the stuff I’m feeling, it makes me feel less distant and detached.”  
“I’m glad that something good could come of the suffering then, because you’re not on your own, okay Josh? Whether it’s Chris going through a similar childhood, or the rest of our family being here to support you or distract you or love you or whatever you need. You’re not on your own.”  
“I’m, I’m beginning to learn that now, thank you,”  
   
The sound of the door opening again stopped them continuing the conversation, and Josh twisted to see Chris carrying his sleeping son bridal-style, with his head against his dad’s chest. He looked like he was in deep sleep, and Josh adored that his parents went to such lengths to protect the precious yet fragile state of rest.  
   
“Car’s locked.” Chris whispered to his wife as he carried on up towards the stairs quickly, clearly weighed down.  
   
“Do you want to follow him up later and try sleeping in that room again? Or should we think about some other options for tonight?”  
“I’ll be fine, don’t worry, I’ll be fine,”  
“Now now Josh, you’re doing so well with asking for help, so let’s keep that momentum going sweetie. I’m not saying you need to explain it to me if it’s something traumatic, but I want to be able to offer you something that works, and I can’t do that without some pointers in the right direction,”  
   
They were being amazing, both of Tyler’s parents, yet Josh still wasn’t sure that he had the strength in him to begin tearing down all the walls that guarded the bad memories. If he started to release that portion of his memory, it wasn’t just them who’d be exposed, it would be him too, and he wasn’t ready to feel that fear again.  
   
“You don’t have to tell me if you’re going to get upset Josh, sorry, I don’t mean to force you.”  
“S’fine, um, at, at home, my old home, we didn’t have heating, so, uh, so I find it quite warm here?”  
“Okay,” Kelly nodded along encouragingly.  
“My bed was, um, it was pretty hard, nothing like the super soft mattresses you have, and I had a wool blanket, a grey wool blanket, like they used to give out to soldiers in the civil war, so really scratchy and stiff and not soft or comforting at all, and sometimes your duvets are just too hot and clammy,”  
“Alright, I hear you, it’s too warm. I can turn down the heating a tad, but obviously my kids are all used to being toasty, so how would you feel about me getting you a fan?”  
“A fan?”  
“Yeah, an electric fan to blow cool air over you.”  
   
“Aren’t they, uh, they’re noisy, right? Won’t Ty be disturbed?”  
“Up until a few months ago, he had terrible insomnia and we tried all sorts of things, and white noise was one of the few that actually worked. I’m sure the fan would serve a similar comfort to him, so don’t worry about that.”  
“They’re quite expensive though,”  
“We’ve already got a couple, no issue there,”  
“Oh,”  
   
“Come with me a second,” Kelly stood up and Josh did as he was told.  
   
She led the way across the house and into the garage that Josh had spent the previous evening in, and he hated that he found some comfort in the cold air and solid floor almost immediately.  
   
“Up there, do you see it? The black and grey box?”  
“Yep,” Josh followed where she was pointing and reached up to the top shelf, taking down the box with a fan in it.  
   
“Okay, then, uh, then how about that blanket. We have a, here, this is a rug we use for picnics, so it’s been outside a fair bit and if you don’t mind waiting, I can quickly throw it in the washer on a delicate cycle to try and get it suitable for sleeping under, but does that feel more familiar to you? Heavy wool?”  
   
Josh put the fan down by his feet and took the red tartan blanket from her, feeling the texture between his fingers.  
   
“Soft,”  
“Yeah, it’s a nice one, hey? Chris got it for me for my birthday last year. Is it too soft? Because the other idea I have is Madison has a dhurrie cotton rug in her bedroom which would give you a stiffer fabric if that’s what you’re craving,”  
“Can, um, can I try this?” He asked, gesturing to the picnic rug.  
“Absolutely darling, sure, then over the weekend you and I will go shopping and buy you all new bedding and anything else that you need, alright?”   
“You don’t have to spend money on me, you’ve already been so kind and so generous, I really don’t need any more.”  
“Josh honey, I’m going out this weekend to try and find you a blanket, that’s non negotiable. If you come with me then there’s a better chance that I’ll get the right thing, but if you don’t come then I’m gonna buy you half a dozen options which will be far more expensive, so please, join me? Help me help you?”  
“You’re sure?”  
“Yes.”  
“O-okay then.” Josh nodded, feeling weird having money spent on him.  
   
“Next issue was the bed being too hard-“  
“Please don’t buy me a new bed, I don’t want a new bed, please,” he couldn’t allow such an extravagant expenditure.  
“I’m in no rush to replace the bed, don’t worry, but the mattress has a memory foam mattress topper on it,”  
“What’s a mattress topper?”  
“So the mattress is the big spongey thing, right? And the topper is something we rest on top of it, it’s thick, probably 2 inches, and it’s made of a polyester foam that’s supposed to make the bed more comfortable. However because it’s just a topper, all we need to do is pull the sheet off, take the topper off, then put the sheet back on the mattress and the bed should be a bit firmer, which is how you prefer it, yeah?”  
“Yeah okay, that, that sounds good,”  
   
“Then in emergencies, do you know what this is?” She picked something up from the shelf.  
“No,”  
“This is a roll-mat for camping. It’s supposed to make the ground more comfortable when you’re in a tent, but it’s rubbish. However if you, for whatever reason, feel you need to sleep in here again, I want you to take this mat and lie on it, okay? It’s a little bit insulating, a little bit spongey, but they are so crap that I promise it will still feel like you’re pretty much on the ground, it’ll just make me feel better about my son’s boyfriend sleeping on the concrete in the garage.”  
   
“I’m, I’m gonna try the bedroom again, with Ty,”  
“Okay, good,” the mother nodded supportively. “I’m gonna leave the roll-mat here, and I’m hoping you won’t need it, but if you do then you know where it is,”  
“Thank you Mrs- Kelly.”  
“See you didn’t even begin to say Joseph that time! That’s progress!” She got so excited at him remembering her preferred title, and he smiled.  
   
“Chris never knew his birth dad’s name, but his mom was Miss Miller, so he was Chris Miller until Hal came along, and he insisted the boys change their name to his, so then he was Chris Becker, then finally he was taken in by Mr and Mrs Joseph, and he’s been a Joseph ever since.”  
“Yeh,”  
“You’re a Joseph now, regardless of name, you’re a part of this family. But if you do ever want to officially become a Joseph, we would be more than happy to legally adopt you, or, alternatively, you could marry Ty and take his name.”  
“You want me to be a Joseph?”  
“I want you to have whichever name you want, but more importantly I want you to realise that this is your family now, alright? You don’t ever have to go back to how it was, back to the fear, and the violence, and the cold floors, because we’ve got you and we’re going to protect you, not just till the end of the school year, or for as long as your relationship with Tyler lasts, but for the rest of your life, okay Josh? We’ve got you now, you’re safe now,”  
“Th-th-tha-ank y-yo-you,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because we needed yet another tragic backstory, right?


	3. Chapter 3

“Nope-nopety-nope-nope, I don’t care how impressed your physio was with your coordination, you’re going nowhere near your boyfriend’s head with clippers mister,” Kelly came into the bathroom and immediately took them off Tyler and put them on the side of the sink.  
   
“Yeh I happen to quite like the tops of my ears, I’d prefer it if they stayed attached to my head please,” Josh teased and Tyler just sulked dramatically, so he grabbed him by the hips and pulled him down onto his lap.  
   
“I wouldn’t chop off your ears,”  
“No?”  
“No, I’d stop after one,” Tyler giggled.  
“Oh how kind of you,” Josh laughed, then snuggled into Tyler’s side happily. “I think I’ll leave it up to Debby thanks very much mister.”  
“Eughhhhhh, fine,” he caved.  
   
Josh had decided he needed a hair cut. For years he had had the same inoffensive neat head of soft curls, and he wanted a change. Everything else in his life was changing, it only made sense that his hair should change too. He’d never had a haircut in a salon before and wasn’t about to start today, so Kelly had pulled a stool into the bathroom for him, and they were waiting on Debby to arrive so she could join them.  
   
He’d given up on the ludicrous idea of pushing her away. Admittedly she was still in love with him, but she was being honest about that and was still managing to be incredibly respectful of his new relationship with Tyler, and she was more than capable of making her own decisions. It wasn’t up to Josh to decide what was best for her.  
   
“I wonder where she’s got to?” Kelly thought out loud.  
“Punctuality has never been her strong suit,”  
“She’s always late to English, but Mrs Cooper really likes her so she gets away with it,” Tyler dobbed her in.  
“Mrs Cooper, she’s the one who sent you a get well soon card and a copy of The Princess Bride when you were in the hospital,” his mom remembered and reminded him.  
   
“Yeah she loves both of them, meanwhile I’m barely scraping a B in her class and the only comment on my last essay, which was 5 sides of A4 by the way, was ‘needs work’.”  
“Naw, you feeling sorry for yourself babe? With As in every class except English? Meanwhile I’ve got straight Cs with my only A being English,”  
“See, you guys go together like two pieces of a puzzle. Tyler can help you with your English Josh, and Josh-“  
“Can what? Do aaaaall my other work for me? I think I know who wins from that arrangement,” Tyler chuckled.  
   
“You know what? If you can get me an A in English, I’ll do all your homework in every subject until we graduate.”  
“Nope, if you do it for him then he won’t learn how to do it for himself,”  
“Mom you left work to have kids almost 20 years ago and you’re still suuuchhhh a teacher,”  
“20 years, jeepers Ty, you know how to make a woman feel old,”  
“You don’t look a day over 21 Kelly,”  
“Thank you Josh,” she blew him a kiss then laughed.  
   
Tyler was about to say something else when the doorbell rang through the house.  
   
“I’ll get it, I’ll get it,” Tyler stood up from Josh’s lap excitedly, but Josh held him steady for a second.  
“Careful on the stairs please baby. Hold on with two hands, or sit and bump down if your head is really spinning,” Kelly instructed him firmly.  
“Yess Mommm,” he appeased her then rushed out of the upstairs bathroom, leaving just Josh and Kelly.  
   
“It still gets me, seeing him so happy,” she whispered privately to him.  
“I know I didn’t see him when he was at his worst, but even I can see a huge difference.”  
“All down to you young man, you and Debby, you changed his life and therefore all of ours too.”  
“You guys changed my life too,”  
   
Kelly didn’t say anything, just stepped forwards and put her hand on his shoulder reassuringly.  
   
“You don’t need to do all that work for him, we’re only joking, so don’t try and make room for that on your plate too. We know a competitive college isn’t really an option for him, from a grades standpoint, or a mental health aspect. We’re gonna keep him close, apply somewhere local with low entrance requirements, so when it comes to school, you focus on you and reaching your potential.”  
“I will,”  
   
It was still strange to Josh that someone could see potential in him.  
   
“Hiya!! Sorry I’m so late, but on my way over I drove past the drug store, and I couldn’t resist.” Debby and Tyler joined them, the girl’s hand on his lower back having obviously just helped him up the stairs, but she let go and dug into her purse, pulling out a box and handing it to Josh.  
   
“Pink hair dye?”  
“Yep! I got you a bunch of different colours, here, red, blue, purple, yellow, plus a lightening kit,” the boxes kept coming, “I’ve got the receipt so I can return all the ones we don’t use, but I figured since we’re doing a Mohican as a big fuck-you to your parents, why not go all out??”  
“Wow, okay, wow,”  
   
Secretly he’d always wanted to dye his hair, and Debby knew that, but now the option was out there for him, he didn’t know how to react.  
   
“Peter 3:3,” he mumbled the verse going through his head.  
“This isn’t for vanity though, this is for liberation and your personal joy.” Debby looked him dead in the eyes and didn’t hesitate.  
   
“What’s Peter 3:3?” Tyler asked innocently.  
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewellery or fine clothes.” Josh could recite it on the spot.  
“But what comes next Josh?” Debby prompted him to continue.  
“Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.”  
   
Tyler and Kelly were clearly holding their breath.  
   
“The apostle is not condemning real ornament, is he? Because the world is full of it. God superadded the colours to the rainbows and the plumage to the birds and the green to the grass and-“  
“The beauty of human complexion,” Josh provided his own example.  
“Exactly, none of those things needed to be beautiful, they could function without beauty, but God meant that this should be a beautiful world, that it should appear well, that there should be something more than mere utility. Indulging in beauty is not a sin, yeah?”  
“Yeah,”  
   
“You have a gentle and quiet spirit, I'm sure Tyler and Mrs Joseph would attest to that,”  
“Absolutely,” Kelly nodded feverishly.  
“Peter’s message of rejecting vanity, it’s not for you, it’s not for people with appreciation of what’s truly important, it’s for those who are obsessed with appearance. Josh, you’ve never even looked in a mirror for more than 5 seconds,“  
   
“Debby’s right sweetheart, dyeing your hair, it wouldn’t be because you want to look better, it would be a celebration of your new found freedom, yeah?” Mrs Joseph joined in. “This isn’t about appearance, this is about you finding your own identify beyond who your parents dictated you had to be. All your life you’ve had to abide by their rules, and today you finally get to break some of them.”  
   
Josh felt uneasy and it was showing.  
   
“You don’t have to,” Tyler offered him an out, reaching out to try and stroke his face, but not quite having the command of his hand that he once did, so Josh met him in the space and guided him to his cheek.  
   
“I love you, and I want, no, need you to be happy. If blue hair is gonna make you happy then let’s whip open this kit. If it’s not, let’s not. It’s that simple, yeah? If you want to make it deeper, make it be about your newfound independence then absolutely we can infuse that meaning into it, but if you just want fun hair then that’s a perfectly valid reason to do it.”  
   
“Fun hair,” he echoed his boyfriend’s words. “I’ve never really been allowed to do anything fun before,”  
“You have my full permission to have as much fun as you want.” Kelly granted him.  
   
“It’s not a sin, it’s not a problem with Mrs Joseph, it’s not a problem with school, your parents are out of the picture, so there’s nothing external stopping you.” Debby summarised for him. “You’ve wanted to do this for so long, I know you have. I remember 3rd grade you drew a picture of us together and gave yourself red hair; my mom stuck it on our fridge because your mom never put anything on yours, and it stayed there for years. You were what, 8? You’ve wanted this for a decade.”  
   
“Will, will I look like too much of a punk? If I shave the sides and have a colour too?”  
“It’s impossible to look too much like a punk, punk’s are hot.” Tyler grinned as he kissed Josh, then sat on his lap again.  
“As the only person here who was alive during the 70s, I can assure you that a little dash of colour and harsh short back and sides does not constitute being a punk Josh. Once your Mohawk scrapes the ceiling and all you’re wearing is leather and tartan, studded to the heavens and looped with chains, then maybe we’ll be having words, but a new hairdo doesn’t make you a punk.”  
   
“Will people think I’m a degenerate though?”  
“Fuck what people think.” Debby put it bluntly and Josh was half expecting Mrs Joseph to yell at her, but she just laughed and agreed.  
“Amen to that!”  
“The only people who matter are in this house right now, and I think we’re all on the same page that doing something like changing your hair is symbolic of shedding your old life and leaving it behind, which is exactly what you need.”  
“Debby’s right, you have our full support Josh,”  
   
Josh felt his bravery growing by the second, and he was beginning to feel excited, but he instinctively started picking at the skin on his hand until Tyler stopped him by holding them.  
   
“The best bit about hair is that it grows back. If you hate it, you can join me in the fuzz gang,”  
   
Tyler had to have his head shaved for his emergency surgery just a few short weeks ago, and his hair was quick to begin growing back, but he’d shaved it again with Josh’s help after discovering he quite liked the sensation of running his hand through the short stubbles, and Josh had to admit that he liked it too.  
   
“Do you think people at school will stare?”  
“You might get a few second glances for the first day, just because you’ve always had to dress and look very modest and reserved, but I think it’s a great way to spread the message that you’re a new Josh with a new family and a new sexuality and a new partner and new lease of life, hey?” Debby said with a smile on her face the whole time.  
   
“Do you think I’d suit yellow or pink better?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy ending rather than angst to apologise for my absence of late <33
> 
> Lots of updates coming over the next few weeks. I've pretty much finished the wheelchair fic, just needs editing and formatting then scheduling, and as well as plenty of unseen updates and a few eating disorder instalments, I also have my next full length story coming.
> 
> I'm hoping to come back to my DID sequel too because it's one of my favourite stories, and I have a plan on how to conclude it, I just need to remind myself of the details and do the hard bit of actually writing it :)
> 
> I'm excited about the future of this account, I hope you are too xx


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